Gravity Magazine Brandeis' Only Humor Magazine

Professor Quotes


Since this is the budget edition of Gravity, you midyears will have to see the professor quotes here.


“Pulling operators out of bras is sick and wrong.” — PHYS

“I don’t even know whose urine it was.” — CLAS

“Hey, I’m just not wearing a shirt. I’m a centaur, it’s what I do.” — ENG

“You don’t have to commit suicide if this is the project assigned to you, but it helps.” — NBIO

“Please, I’m still in here! Don’t run the trash compactor yet!” — ARBC

“The poor Quèbecois French speaker has no free will.” — LING

“And now it’s time to make a secretary.” — COSI

“He dreamed that he finally had a real human friend.” — ARBC

“It’s a genocide—type of thing.” — FA

“This structure controls the male rat penis, as opposed to the female rat penis.” NPSY

“Professors used to go to conferences to have sex with their graduate students. Those were the good old days.” — HIST

“All the vampires were killed during the advent of Islam.” — ARBC

“I’ve always been ready to sell out, but no one’s offering.” — HIST

“I love dystopian futures as long as they don’t involve me.” — LING

“It’s also the word for tonsils——because they’re almond shaped.” — ARBC

“If I ever became a terrorist, I’m going to blow up a corn factory.” — HIST

“I don’t think these guys were Mormon.” — LING

“I never realized how bad most of the writing is in my profession until I assigned it to undergraduates.” — ENG

“It’s not wrong to be angry at squirrels.” — ARBC

“You are here to help me sleep with you.” — ENG

“It smells great but it’s brown and looks like sausage.” — CLAS

“I won’t say how we were sweating, but we were.” — HIST

“Just open your throat and let the rainbows flow through.” — ARBC

“[Lance Armstrong] could kill you with a testicle.” — ENG

“My mother’s name was Hazel. It was a revelation to me that someone named Hazel could be sexy.” — HIST

“It’s like noo noo from the Teletubbies.” — LING

“Being good and being German are very different.” — ARBC

“This is a graph depicting levels of serotonin versus how deeply you are fucked.” — NPSY

“The most important meal of the day is booze.” — ARBC

“More like dicks, but yes. And I hear they’re edible too.” — ARBC

“I’m not saying that everything should be organized around a cappella culture.” — SOC

“I always wonder, why don’t Brandeis students smile more?” — CLAS

“They did a survey recently to find out the average age of a B’ani’ B’rith member, and it turns out the average age is dead.” — NEJS

“There is no one from Gravity here, is there? Oh, shit.” — ENG

"Connecticut banned rum, opiate, and lawyers." -NEJS